2022 is indeed a challenging year. Before I start writing, I’ve read my “year-end realizations” entry here from three years ago. I’ve changed. A lot. My 2019 self is the most vulnerable person I’ve ever seen, and in 2022, I can proudly say that she is one of the strongest yet most loving people. My goal a few years ago was to focus more on myself, and here I am, bringing it with me this upcoming year. I learned how to love the scars of mine that I hated before, the painful experiences that I regret but have learned lessons from, the small details that make me smile and feel dumb for feeling that way, the little hugs that I crave from people I cherish but won’t ask for even if I want to, and the feeling of being and giving too much. These are just some of the little things that I used to hate, but as time goes by and I realize that life isn’t all about grand gestures, it all makes sense.
It all makes sense if you start thinking that they all matter. Your feelings matter. It is one of the many lessons I learned: that your feelings and emotions might seem overwhelming, but they matter, and you shouldn’t invalidate them. You should be the first person to make yourself feel known and validated, so you don’t even need to look for this validation from other people. I still feel them sometimes—the overwhelming emotions that I think are too much or aren’t necessary—but I am slowly accepting them. Accepting that not all days, you can be understanding of your scars and fears, there might be days that you feel like you are going back to your old habits that you hate, but you are not. You just have bad days, and that’s it. That’s okay as long as you take a step forward again in the next hour, the next day, or even the next week. I learned that you shouldn’t rush your own phasing and progress.
I used to cherish people so much to the point that it destroyed me whenever they left me, may it be friends, family, or even a lover. I used to depend on other people for my happiness; even my mood would be affected if they did something wrong or made me feel bad. I used to overthink a lot, even the smallest things. I used to be scared of doing something because it might put me or people around me in a bad place. I used to be happy and then regret it afterwards. I used to prioritize other people’s expectations for me over my own decisions. And as the years go by, I still cherish people, but it doesn’t destroy me anymore when they leave, as I think that “people come and go,” and that is totally okay. They all have different roles in our lives, and when they go, that role must have ended for a reason. I am still happy when I am with the people I love, but I am trying not to ruin my day because of their behavior. “Trying,” because I still feel that way sometimes. I still overthink a lot, but I am trying to be open to people and say what’s on my mind. I can proudly say that I have the courage now to do something just because I want to try it without thinking of other people’s opinions. I learned to not regret something that made me happy. I am doing and will always want to do things based on my own judgment and what makes me happy.
I can still remember a friend saying that I love myself too much and might not be able to find someone who would reach the level of love that I can give myself. This one remains unmarkable to me, not because it affected me in a bad way, but because it inspires me to love myself more. I still believe that the right person would not be insecure about the love you can offer yourself, because I personally think that you cannot love another person fully if you aren’t even capable of loving yourself. It is like, “You cannot give what you do not have.” That’s why, as the years passed, I focused more on myself so that when the right person came along, I was ready. I am capable of loving without fear of losing myself along the way. I am capable of taking risks, but within the boundaries of having the freedom to let go when you no longer feel valued. I think it is one of the most beautiful gifts I can give myself.
This year is as challenging as hell, but it is also one of the happiest. Challenging emotionally, physically, and mentally (even financially?), kidding. I started this year with no idea or even a hunch that things would go uphill as I experienced new things that I never thought I could do but would try. I felt a burning hope during the last campaign for the national elections but was saddened by the results. Still, the happiness and passion of different beautiful and amazing people—I won’t forget that. Maybe in a parallel universe, we can have that kind of hope again and be able to experience it. I also hesitated to try something but ended up doing it just because I wanted to do it so badly, and I do not regret it. I do not regret it, even if it made me cry, even if it made me doubt myself sometimes, even if it made me hate people, even if it was too unfair, but I am still doing it because it makes me happy. I also lost one of the most important people in my life, my grandmother. She is one of the main reasons why I am still fighting, so seeing her pass away made me crumble. She is someone I can hold on to whenever I feel stressed, sad, angry, or happy, even if she doesn’t recognize me sometimes. She is one of the people I want to celebrate my success with, especially when I achieve my dream. As she always says, I should pursue what I want. She might not be here with me right now, but I know that she is watching me and is proud of her little girl.
One of the happiest? Yes, as I’ve met amazing people who bring out the best in me, who made me show my true self without judgement, and who will stay with you through happiness and sorrow. It sounds cliche, but I found comfort in other people, even if I just met them this year. Time really doesn’t ring any bells if it is purely a connection that you didn’t expect—a connection with genuine people. As a person who loves meeting new people, this year really made me experience that. Meeting different people with different perspectives on life amazes me as I learn new things from them and vice versa. Also, liking someone again without the feeling of rushing things, without the feeling of pouring it all in and then regretting it afterwards because you rushed something that wasn’t meant to happen at that time, I just believe in the right timing—the timing that would eventually come from leaping toward connection. I remember a quotation from a book that says, “There are no timelines for this kind of depth. You just have to trust it. You just have to see it for what it is and understand that the universe sometimes fights for souls to find one another. It is not to be questioned.” And I think it is true: it is totally okay to feel things for someone or even let them know what they mean to us, but it can all happen naturally. And if that timing doesn’t come? It is not meant to happen, and again, it is okay. As I said earlier, it should not make you lose yourself along the way. You shouldn’t let that happen. This scary thing can occur when you try to match your phasing to the person you like, but you shouldn’t. We can still show that we like them while supporting and cheering them on their own journey by reassuring them that it is okay to take things one step at a time, and that is totally fine.
In 2023, I will maintain the peace I have with myself and continue to cherish people the way I do. I will develop habits that could improve my mind and body so that I can improve every single day. Every day is a challenge, and I’m looking forward to having more courage within me to face it all the time.
Cheers to a year full of challenges, happiness, and lessons!
Wander with Me 