Posted in Personal Blogs

Introduction

Posted on by eli.writes

Putting into words how you feel is one of the hardest things to do for me. I started writing since I was eleven, but all of them are stuck in nowhere right now. Through writing poems before, I usually vent out what I feel.

Making this my hobby helps me improve myself, have the confidence I lack, and write without thinking about others.

I know I am just an ordinary person who experiences the usual problems in this world, but we all know that we also have ways to cope with something we have experienced before. And, writing is one of the things that helped me to unfold all the hatred, sadness, stress, love, and happiness.

I guess I found a new way to express my thoughts and feelings about everything. Wander with Me!

Posted in Uncategorized

Enlightenment

Posted on by eli.writes
November 22, 2025 – Cool Waves Puerto Azul

2025 clearly showed me the different versions of myself, the ones we don’t usually recognize from the beginning. I thought I already knew myself fully, but with each passing day, every challenge I faced, and every decision I had to make, I discovered a version of me that had always existed quietly beyond my own awareness. It is both a blessing and a curse to be someone who gives and loves deeply, even when you’re giving from the very depths of what you can offer.

This year, I feel incredibly blessed to have healed a part of myself by giving back to my parents in ways that I genuinely could and wholeheartedly wanted to. Seeing them happy feels like a gift that softens all the silent hardships I carried. I now deeply understand eldest daughters, and even those who simply try their hardest to be someone their family can rely on. My heart feels full knowing that this year, I showed up for my family in ways I willingly chose to, making them feel loved, especially during the most meaningful moments of their lives. I am truly grateful that I was able to throw a whole party for my mom’s 50th birthday, something I am genuinely proud of this year. It wasn’t easy navigating the chaos of preparation and execution, but seeing her happy on her special day, surrounded by our loved ones, made everything worth it. Things can be overwhelming and exhausting at times, but every little sacrifice I made was always worth it when it came to my family.

This year was also especially hard for us as we lost our baby dog, Hera. Her passing showed each of us how vulnerable we are to losing someone who was such a big part of our daily lives, the quiet pain of waking up and realizing she is no longer there. But time truly heals, and through this loss, our family grew even stronger than ever.

When it comes to friendship, this year was one of the most awakening chapters of my life. I experienced so much pain from people I once loved, cherished, and protected, people who chose to let small misunderstandings turn into reasons to abandon bonds built over years. Letting go of people you care about was never easy, but realizing that some were never truly there for you to begin with helped me move forward. People come and go, and sometimes acceptance is the only way through. It takes courage to leave a table you have been sitting at for years, but when you realize you would still be sitting there years from now with the wrong people, you begin to see all the time you are about to waste.

Now, I am surrounded by people who stay, even during the bad and inconvenient moments. I have become more intentional about who I share my energy and space with. I noticed those who showed me love and comfort without me having to ask. It awakened something deep within me. Friendships do not have to be grand gestures. They often exist in the smallest moments yet offer the deepest comfort. I have been celebrating life with different people I met at different times, and I am so grateful to have them, even if our paths only cross once in a while.

Welcoming 2026 marks my fourth year of celebrating New Year’s with my partner. This year revealed another version of our relationship, one that is more mature, grounded, and comfortable than ever. I felt deeply loved, heard, and appreciated by the most understanding partner. Our relationship is not all rainbows and butterflies. We argue over the smallest things. They were right when they said that the longer you are with someone, the smaller the reasons for arguments become. But keeping in mind that this is the person you want to spend your life with, choosing to fix things, to show up, and to be who your partner needs even when emotions run high, is something truly worth treasuring. Being with him brings a different kind of peace and comfort. I cannot wait to spend the coming years with him, through all the good and even the bad.

This 2026, I am looking forward to more abundance, success, genuine happiness, and good health, not just for me, but for the people I love. More blessings for my family, so we can share them with others. And a stronger version of myself, ready to face whatever small or big challenges this year has to offer.

I am manifesting that this is going to be my year. ✨

Posted in Personal Blogs

Contentment

Posted on by eli.writes

Almost two years have passed since the last time I wrote on this blog. Gradually, things have changed. The experiences I’ve had over the years that I haven’t been able to talk about have been both fulfilling and challenging. My life has changed, presumably for the better, and so have my plans for the future.

I am grateful that, despite writing a few entries about how difficult college life is, I was able to get through it. I finished my degree and passed the board exam, which was one of my major goals. I’ve also landed a job at a company I used to dream about while job hunting; I guess my manifestation has been working very well lately. While this is gratifying, there are times when I wonder if this is truly the path I want to take, as it was not what I had planned. My ultimate goal is to work in the construction industry, but I am currently in the corporate world. However, I believe I still have plenty of time to explore. I cherish what I have today because I prayed for it all, and I look forward to the growth that this path will bring in the years to come. I may have uncertainties, but I am confident that everything will work out if I take a shot and try my best.

Since I began working and entered the “adulting” stage of my life, I have gained a better understanding of my parents. I now realize the sacrifices they made during those trying times, as well as on a daily basis, because providing for a family is challenging. It can be draining to wake up every day thinking about your loved ones, even when you want to give up. They strengthen you, reminding you that this is their first time living and experiencing such things. From waking up just to buy things you want, to going places you wish to visit, to instantly thinking of ways to make your loved ones happy with the places you want to take them and the food you want to share, it can be exhausting to think of others before yourself. Yet to love and give with all your heart is one of the bravest things to do.

My grandma passed away earlier this year, and that is something else I wanted to write about. In my last blog, I mentioned that another grandmother of mine died that same year. It was both terrible and devastating. Our family had three grandparents and two grandfathers when I was growing up, but they are all no longer with us. My lola, who passed away this year, was always seen as strict and stubborn; as a result, she didn’t have a close relationship with her grandchildren. However, we grew close during the times when she could no longer care for herself. We joked around with her, took pictures, and made silly videos. Although it was incredibly painful, I am thankful that I was there to take care of her and be by her side during her last moments. That experience made me realize how fleeting life is. Now, whenever I see videos of people with their grandparents on social media, I am always on the verge of tears. Grief isn’t something we can overcome in a day, a week, or even months, but treasuring those moments is a fulfilling experience.

Meanwhile, I wanted to write about the different circle of friends I currently have. I cherish all of them because, even though we are at different stages in our lives, we have managed to reconnect in the smallest ways. I used to believe that to strengthen our bond, we needed to talk or hang out all the time. However, simply rooting for them and letting them know I’m thinking of them every now and then allows us to make up for the time that has passed. Having the right people around makes things bearable, after all.

As I mentioned in my last post, “Liking someone again without the feeling of rushing things, without the feeling of pouring it all in and then regretting it afterwards because you rushed something that wasn’t meant to happen at that time, I just believe in the right timing—the timing that would eventually come from leaping toward connection.” I will always be grateful that I took the risk and we didn’t rush anything. Who would have thought that after I started to believe in perfect timing, I would be happier than ever? Of course, it wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies; there were challenges that really tested our patience, trust, and love for one another. Being with him—the person I love the most and who truly loves me back—always feels peaceful. The truth is, we have no idea what the future may bring. Nevertheless, we are still here, willing to spend the rest of our lives together.

Over the course of a year and ten months, I have encountered many difficulties and unfamiliarities. This blog entry serves as an update on my past events and the lessons I’ve learned from them. I will take things one step at a time, as I have consistently stated, even if it hasn’t been easy to accept and navigate everything that is new to me and all that is gone. Whether it’s about my goals, hobbies, or even relationships with people, I will always be someone who takes risks, despite the uncertainty of life.

Posted in About me

Year-end realizations

Posted on by eli.writes

2022 is indeed a challenging year. Before I start writing, I’ve read my “year-end realizations” entry here from three years ago. I’ve changed. A lot. My 2019 self is the most vulnerable person I’ve ever seen, and in 2022, I can proudly say that she is one of the strongest yet most loving people. My goal a few years ago was to focus more on myself, and here I am, bringing it with me this upcoming year. I learned how to love the scars of mine that I hated before, the painful experiences that I regret but have learned lessons from, the small details that make me smile and feel dumb for feeling that way, the little hugs that I crave from people I cherish but won’t ask for even if I want to, and the feeling of being and giving too much. These are just some of the little things that I used to hate, but as time goes by and I realize that life isn’t all about grand gestures, it all makes sense.

It all makes sense if you start thinking that they all matter. Your feelings matter. It is one of the many lessons I learned: that your feelings and emotions might seem overwhelming, but they matter, and you shouldn’t invalidate them. You should be the first person to make yourself feel known and validated, so you don’t even need to look for this validation from other people. I still feel them sometimes—the overwhelming emotions that I think are too much or aren’t necessary—but I am slowly accepting them. Accepting that not all days, you can be understanding of your scars and fears, there might be days that you feel like you are going back to your old habits that you hate, but you are not. You just have bad days, and that’s it. That’s okay as long as you take a step forward again in the next hour, the next day, or even the next week. I learned that you shouldn’t rush your own phasing and progress.

I used to cherish people so much to the point that it destroyed me whenever they left me, may it be friends, family, or even a lover. I used to depend on other people for my happiness; even my mood would be affected if they did something wrong or made me feel bad. I used to overthink a lot, even the smallest things. I used to be scared of doing something because it might put me or people around me in a bad place. I used to be happy and then regret it afterwards. I used to prioritize other people’s expectations for me over my own decisions. And as the years go by, I still cherish people, but it doesn’t destroy me anymore when they leave, as I think that “people come and go,” and that is totally okay. They all have different roles in our lives, and when they go, that role must have ended for a reason. I am still happy when I am with the people I love, but I am trying not to ruin my day because of their behavior. “Trying,” because I still feel that way sometimes. I still overthink a lot, but I am trying to be open to people and say what’s on my mind. I can proudly say that I have the courage now to do something just because I want to try it without thinking of other people’s opinions. I learned to not regret something that made me happy. I am doing and will always want to do things based on my own judgment and what makes me happy.

I can still remember a friend saying that I love myself too much and might not be able to find someone who would reach the level of love that I can give myself. This one remains unmarkable to me, not because it affected me in a bad way, but because it inspires me to love myself more. I still believe that the right person would not be insecure about the love you can offer yourself, because I personally think that you cannot love another person fully if you aren’t even capable of loving yourself. It is like, “You cannot give what you do not have.” That’s why, as the years passed, I focused more on myself so that when the right person came along, I was ready. I am capable of loving without fear of losing myself along the way. I am capable of taking risks, but within the boundaries of having the freedom to let go when you no longer feel valued. I think it is one of the most beautiful gifts I can give myself.

This year is as challenging as hell, but it is also one of the happiest. Challenging emotionally, physically, and mentally (even financially?), kidding. I started this year with no idea or even a hunch that things would go uphill as I experienced new things that I never thought I could do but would try. I felt a burning hope during the last campaign for the national elections but was saddened by the results. Still, the happiness and passion of different beautiful and amazing people—I won’t forget that. Maybe in a parallel universe, we can have that kind of hope again and be able to experience it. I also hesitated to try something but ended up doing it just because I wanted to do it so badly, and I do not regret it. I do not regret it, even if it made me cry, even if it made me doubt myself sometimes, even if it made me hate people, even if it was too unfair, but I am still doing it because it makes me happy. I also lost one of the most important people in my life, my grandmother. She is one of the main reasons why I am still fighting, so seeing her pass away made me crumble. She is someone I can hold on to whenever I feel stressed, sad, angry, or happy, even if she doesn’t recognize me sometimes. She is one of the people I want to celebrate my success with, especially when I achieve my dream. As she always says, I should pursue what I want. She might not be here with me right now, but I know that she is watching me and is proud of her little girl.

One of the happiest? Yes, as I’ve met amazing people who bring out the best in me, who made me show my true self without judgement, and who will stay with you through happiness and sorrow. It sounds cliche, but I found comfort in other people, even if I just met them this year. Time really doesn’t ring any bells if it is purely a connection that you didn’t expect—a connection with genuine people. As a person who loves meeting new people, this year really made me experience that. Meeting different people with different perspectives on life amazes me as I learn new things from them and vice versa. Also, liking someone again without the feeling of rushing things, without the feeling of pouring it all in and then regretting it afterwards because you rushed something that wasn’t meant to happen at that time, I just believe in the right timing—the timing that would eventually come from leaping toward connection. I remember a quotation from a book that says, “There are no timelines for this kind of depth. You just have to trust it. You just have to see it for what it is and understand that the universe sometimes fights for souls to find one another. It is not to be questioned.” And I think it is true: it is totally okay to feel things for someone or even let them know what they mean to us, but it can all happen naturally. And if that timing doesn’t come? It is not meant to happen, and again, it is okay. As I said earlier, it should not make you lose yourself along the way. You shouldn’t let that happen. This scary thing can occur when you try to match your phasing to the person you like, but you shouldn’t. We can still show that we like them while supporting and cheering them on their own journey by reassuring them that it is okay to take things one step at a time, and that is totally fine.

In 2023, I will maintain the peace I have with myself and continue to cherish people the way I do. I will develop habits that could improve my mind and body so that I can improve every single day. Every day is a challenge, and I’m looking forward to having more courage within me to face it all the time.

Cheers to a year full of challenges, happiness, and lessons!

Posted in About me

♡

Posted on by eli.writes

Love yourself the way you wanted to be loved.

A 20-year-old woman who finds comfort in writing and expressing her feelings. I can describe myself as lazy, careless, anxious, delicate, ambitious, idealistic, friendly, and hopeless romantic. I am not a professional writer, but doing this makes me track my progress and my emotions.

Posted in Personal Blogs, Uncategorized

Progress

Posted on by eli.writes

Months have passed since the last time I wrote here. It felt nostalgic. Many things have already happened, and some have really had a significant impact on my life. As time slowly passes by, I can say that I am also moving towards what I want to do.

Pain, sacrifices, sadness, and challenges changed me. If I was to compare myself months ago, I’d be specific, during the first month of quarantine between now. At that point in my life, I was a selfless girl who let other people take advantage of what I could do for them. A girl who only focused on the things that didn’t even matter. A girl who does something that doesn’t make her happy. A girl who is afraid of letting people go, and she doesn’t even notice that she is slowly losing her worth. But now, I am proud to say that I am no longer that girl. I am a woman who knows my worth and won’t let anyone dictate how worthy I am. I do things that make me happy. I no longer think of other people’s opinions and judgment towards me. As long as I am so glad and it doesn’t affect other people negatively, there would be no problem. Other people’s perspectives are not necessary. My own perspective towards myself is the only thing that matters.

I’ve watched this particular influencer and learned so much from her about improving yourself and becoming a better person. She unknowingly helped me to overcome the fear I have within myself. I’ve gained much confidence if I were to compare it with my old self. Also, as I tried to see things clearly, I’ve learned this one of the most essential principles. And that is, don’t compare yourself to other people’s best. Like what we see on social media, we might somehow feel insecure about those girls who seem perfect because they’re not. No one’s perfect. They are also just trying to show off the best features they had. That’s why you see it that way. We are all equally beautiful. Think of it carefully. Would the “girls” you’ve been trying to compare yourself to, is showing off their negative sides? No, they’re not. You are totally comparing your insecurities and bad sides to their best side. And that’s not okay. The best competition you can have is yourself.

Try to set a standard higher than what you think that you can do. Challenge yourself. There is no harm in trying, especially when your main goal is to make progress. It might take a lot of time and effort, but it would surely pay off. The process is the most exciting and essential part of achieving your goals. Don’t be scared to do things differently, and we must go out of our comfort zone. Do the thing that scares you, and you’ll thank yourself later. Life is too short to waste our time. Again, as I always say. Wander with Me as I discover more things about myself.

Posted in Personal Blogs

Unfathomable

Posted on by eli.writes

As these quarantine days pass by, I do have a lot of time with me. Some may use it for productive things, but I always use it to overthink things. I am the type of person that overthink even the small stuff. I always observe every single thing, and I would think of it thoroughly. I am a sensitive person who always gets hurt by my feelings due to the scenarios I create inside my head. I usually get paranoid when I feel and observe the behavior of someone towards me. I can quickly know when a person suddenly loses interest in me.

I also tend to create a theory of what could happen through observing little details that can be a component of someone’s action afterward. May it sound psychotic, right? But for me, it is just my way of building a wall for those who can destroy me in any possible way. I used it as an armor that surrounds me every time some people are trying to get in my life, but it still can’t give me enough protection not to get hurt. Because as I use this trick every time, I still tend to get hurt even though it is what I am avoiding happening.

Pain occurs even we do the best way we can to avoid it. It is like a poison to our heart and mind. I tried so hard to protect myself from hurting, but it is not something I control. I am deeply hurt and broken inside. I have many things with me that still haunt me, but I have no choice. It seems like loneliness and pain are a great combination that is always within. I am trying again to isolate myself. I don’t want to be a burden anymore. I am scared that these little pieces of me might hurt those trying to be there for me. I would try my best to heal on my own. I wouldn’t involve anyone in the process I am.

I am now trying to be productive, doing things I want to do from the start, but I can’t consistently do it because I always focus on being drowned by my thoughts. I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone, trying new things. I even got the chance to list down my bucket list and what I want to do with this quarantine. To make time more meaningful. It is just a small thing, but it means a lot. Doing things on my own and deciding what shall I do to be a better version of myself is part of my healing process.

Healing takes time. It can take so many years, but it is okay. It would be best if you did not let someone decide for your healing. I’ve been told so many times that I should move forward and forget everything, but I couldn’t. Maybe, all of those are in the past now, but the pain it caused me keeps reminding me why I let those things happen to me. But, I am somehow grateful because it made me stronger. It led me to new places I never thought I could.

I am tough to understand. I know that. My mood quickly changes. At first, I was motivated and willing to do everything to move forward. Then, later on, I will find myself crying because of sadness. I somehow do something that I love, then, later on, I just no longer have the guts to continue. Sometimes I feel good about myself, then, later on, I am crying, asking why I am like this. I don’t even understand myself, either. It just makes me sad every time, remembering that those people who truly understood me before already left me for being like this.

I hope that someday, someone will be there for me even though I am hard to deal with—someone who will not get tired of understanding me when I am a mess. Maybe, someday.

Posted in Personal Blogs

Year-end realizations

Posted on by eli.writes

2019 is the worst yet the best year for me. It brought different struggles and challenges that I thought I could not accomplish. It made me wonder how can I survive with all the sadness and pain that keeps on burdening me. It taught me a lot of lessons. It is a year that produced a better version of myself. Before, I only wanted to exist, to be known for who I am but this year taught me not just to exist but also to live. Not just to show others what I can do but to also enjoy what I am doing.

We are not born to please and impress other people but to satisfy ourselves. We should not live for other people’s expectations of us, and we should always live our life to the fullest regardless of their opinion.

This year made me feel the emptiness as I lost friends, and even someone I taught wouldn’t leave me, but sadly they did. The pain still lingers as I remember how they quickly decided to go out of my life. It hurts; it does. Maybe, the pain will always be there. I expected too much from them to the point that their decision made me doubt myself. I continuously blame myself for not making them stay, but I realized that it is not my fault. Maybe there are just things that aren’t meant to happen, so we better part ways. I admit that I am sometimes toxic to them and vice versa.

Before, I always tried to please others, especially my friends. I quickly get paranoid whenever they are mad or sad about our friendship. I would always like to talk about what is going on in their mind because I don’t want them to feel that they are alone, that I am here. Later on, that attitude of mine seems like not enough and annoying to them. I tried my best. To make them feel loved, but I guess I am just not what they needed, that’s why. I realized that I shouldn’t force friendship and even love. I maybe tried so damn hard that they wanted to get rid of me. Still, I understand. 

I should not let myself be too available for other people. I should start prioritizing myself.

This year he has also taught me how to deal with love. Maybe years ago, I did not know what love was, even though I insisted that I knew it. This year showed me what love is and how it works. Happiness, sadness, suffering, sacrifices, and pain are just some of the things I have encountered ever since I started to risk everything for someone I love. He made me feel loved and important, then suddenly, he left. The pain I felt that time was the worst. Sleepless nights, endless crying, overthinking. God knows how much I loved that man before, to the point that I can’t get mad at him even after all. I used the pain he caused me to be wroth him, but I realized I could never be furious at him. The moment I saw him being genuinely happy with that girl, I realized something. Maybe I am not just what he truly wants. He didn’t love me enough; that’s why it quickly fades.

We are just meant to cross paths to create some memories together but not meant to be forever. The happiness I saw with him right now is the happiness that I could not give him before. I am happy for him, for both of them. I hope that he’ll continue to be satisfied and in love, with no regrets. He will always have a part in my life. I realize that loving someone that much is not a mistake. They decide to let go of someone that is madly in love with them. We should not get tired of loving.

This year showed a worse and better version of myself. The challenges I faced made me stronger. As I go on to each process, sometimes I feel like I am a different person because of my decisions. I easily get annoyed even with the little things that cause me to react badly. It showed the different versions of myself that I taught I wouldn’t encounter.

My goal this 2020 is to focus on me more. I owe myself the love I didn’t give this year. I would prioritize making myself genuinely happy. Still, I wouldn’t be selfish to show my love and care to other people.

I am looking forward to spending another year with those who genuinely care for me. I would love to cherish each moment with those who genuinely love me. I am truly grateful for those who stayed and never left my side despite everything.

This 2020, I would let go of the negative thing that keeps bothering me. Instead, I would focus on the things that can significantly impact my peace of mind. I wouldn’t let anybody destroy my inner peace anymore.

Looking forward to a better, happier, and full of love this coming year. 💗

Posted in Personal Blogs

Uncertainties

Posted on by eli.writes

It’s been a while since I’ve last published a blog. I still remember how my heart ached, and my eyes cried the moment I wrote my last work. I cannot post any work because I’ve always written but never finished any of it.

College life has been challenging yet fun for me. I’ve got shocked at first, knowing that I was going to deal with different people, pass my subjects, and adapt to another environment. The only thing on my mind before I started college was to graduate and pursue my dreams. I only have my perseverance and will to pursue my goals even with the uncertainties I have in mind.

I know that I am not intelligent or even a talented one. The thing that keeps me going is my heart that wants to learn and grow. I understand that the course I am taking would be challenging, and I am willing to take the risk. The first semester is going to end, and the past five months are not a joke. It challenged me. The pressure, failures and sleepless nights keep on letting me grow to the field I have chosen. I still have seven semesters left, I am pretty far from the finish line, but I guess this is enough to have to courage to continue.

Progress is progress, even though it is a small one, and we wouldn’t notice that we are near to what we are dreaming of if we try to live our life while pursuing our dreams. I am uncertain about what will happen in the future, but I trust God, and I am letting his plans work for me.

Aside from the academic side, the college has also brought me happiness and contentment. I met different amazing people who showed genuine kindness and friendship with me. Starting the semester, I have a big circle of friends. I’ve thought I would bond with them until the end, but I guess things are just not meant to happen. I lost many friends that I cherished a lot before. It makes me sad, but I am not allowing myself to force things to happen, so I let them. If they choose to leave me, then leave. I am not going to force any friendships because I know that I deserve more than that.

At first, I always blamed myself for the things I didn’t do. I pity myself for feeling that I am not good enough; that’s why people keep on leaving me behind. Then I realized I did my best to show my love and care for them. It is their own decision. I do not owe them anything, but I still wish for their happiness with their new friends. I am still grateful because I met different people I cherish a lot, and it has an important place in my heart. They are the ones who’ve stayed despite everything. I see myself loving more college life because of them. They made my college life happier. They brought me a lot of happiness, and I would always be grateful to have them. Still, maybe there is uncertainty if all of them would stay beside me until the end. For now, I’m going to cherish every precious moment with them.

The uncertainties are always there. All of us are not 100% sure about anything that is happening and is going to happen. We all have the “what ifs” and doubts. But this time, I wouldn’t let the uncertainties eat those opportunities that would make me know and love myself more. Each day, I am learning and growing little by little. I am thankful for the experiences that made me stronger. I promise myself that I wouldn’t let myself get stuck up to some old shits but let myself get out of the box and try new things. The uncertainties wouldn’t be enough to let down all the things I have in mind that keep me going.

The uncertainties are always there. All of us are not 100% sure about anything that is happening and is going to happen. We all have the “what ifs” and doubts. But this time, I wouldn’t let the uncertainties eat those opportunities that would make me know and love myself more. Each day, I am learning and growing little by little. I am thankful for the experiences that made me stronger. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself get stuck up to some old shits but let myself get out of the box and try new things. The uncertainties wouldn’t be enough to let down everything I have in mind that motivates me to grow and move forward.

Posted in Personal Blogs

Hyperventilation Syndrome

Posted on by eli.writes

July 29, 2019, was probably the scariest moment in my life. It sounds corny, but that is how I felt. Storytime, earlier in the morning, I’ve felt the usual abdominal pain because of ulcers. My stomach felt empty because I kept on vomiting whenever I ate or drank. My parents decided to take me to the nearest clinic in the afternoon because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. Sadly, the doctor was out when we came. They decided to take me to the hospital, but before we even got to ride to the vehicle, I collapsed.

I can’t breathe, and I can’t see anything. I just heard their screams, and I couldn’t even say a word. When we arrive at the hospital, I am already conscious, but still, I can’t breathe, so they put me on a stretcher. Everyone in the room told me to calm down because I panicked and cried continuously because I couldn’t move my hands and feet. I felt numb. The difficulty of breathing I’ve experienced lasts for about 30 minutes, I think. I can no longer feel the pain in my abdomen, but the fact that I can’t feel anything scares me.

It may sound cliche, but when I couldn’t breathe, could not see anything, and even felt the numbness in my body, I thought of the people I love. Yesterday, I cried hard while I was seeing my parents cry because they saw me suffering. I want to say that I love them so much, and I am thankful because they are my parents, but I can’t even utter a word. I wouldn’t say I like the feeling of not being able to feel anything. I’d instead feel the pain than feel the numbness. It scares me; it does.

I have often said that I want to die because of the pain I’ve been feeling every day, but I realized that I don’t want to die. I want to end the pain inside. I still want to live. I want to live for those people who care for me and love me. The doctor discussed the findings yesterday. The blood tests and the sodium-potassium test they called are normal. They didn’t find any disease, but they said that I am experiencing this syndrome called “hyperventilation syndrome.” It is like a cause of psychological disorders such as anxiety or panic attacks.

They said that it usually occurs when I suddenly change my emotions when I am deeply hurt, shocked, excited, or felt happy too much. I always say that I’d instead feel pain than to feel nothing, but sometimes it just seems too much for me. The things I’ve been thinking and feeling all along are bad for my health, and I should start avoiding that.

The moment I gained my consciousness felt like I saw a sunrise. It showed me that there is still another day where I could enjoy life and be with those I love. That there would always be a brighter tomorrow even when you think you are experiencing the worst.

It is okay to take things from the heart and learn to control emotions because sometimes it can lead to a severe condition. We should always prioritize our mental health because it might affect our physical bodies. Taking care of yourself means also loving yourself, so continue to love yourself!

Posted in Personal Blogs

Paranoia

Posted on by eli.writes

It’s midnight again, and here I am, thinking about all the shitty things that run on my mind. I am an overthinker, a paranoid one. I guess my trust issues just come in every single time because of my past experiences. It sucks a lot. It sucks that even though you trust someone, you can’t just erase the fact in your damn head that they can do anything to break the trust you gave.

I know this is a little bit unbelievable for some to believe that a person can trust someone, but there’s still like a ‘precaution’ in that person’s mind to guard their heart. It is also one of the reasons why some relationships don’t work. Mostly, a girl or even a boy in a relationship tends to be suspicious at times. Maybe because of lack of time, third party, inconsistency, and changes in behavior. Sometimes the other one confronts their partner about those, and in most cases, the other gets angry and would probably say that they don’t trust them.

Some even use that as a reason to break up with his partner. Leaving someone because of that is like proving that her suspicions are confirmed. But for me, that would be the most outrageous thing for a person to let go because if you truly love someone, you would accept her flaws and imperfections, including her trust issues. Why would you leave her if you could make a way to assure her every single time and continue to love her? Eventually, those issues in her head will disappear if she gets the assurance she needs and feels that you loved her enough.

Trusting someone means giving them a chance to break you by any means. I have always been a victim of betrayal or even those broken promises. All of us can be a victim of a friend, a lover, or even our family. Before, I usually blamed myself for letting them take the chance of doing those things to me. But, as time passed by, I realized that trusting them is not your mistake. Them, doing you wrong is their choice, and you are not to blame.

Here I am again, lying in my bed thinking of all the what-ifs. What if no one cares for me? What if no one loves me? What if all the things I used to believe were not true? What if I looked crazy, right? But one thing’s for sure right now, even though I don’t have the answers to my what-ifs yet, I would still trust with my whole heart. It is their choice if they would break it. Do not be afraid to trust.

This blog is a little bit confusing in many parts; I’m still trying to express myself. This is just my “midnight thoughts,” I guess. I hope I can fully put into words all my feelings, maybe on my upcoming blogs. Wander with Me!