As these quarantine days pass by, I do have a lot of time with me. Some may use it for productive things, but I always use it to overthink things. I am the type of person that overthink even the small stuff. I always observe every single thing, and I would think of it thoroughly. I am a sensitive person who always gets hurt by my feelings due to the scenarios I create inside my head. I usually get paranoid when I feel and observe the behavior of someone towards me. I can quickly know when a person suddenly loses interest in me.
I also tend to create a theory of what could happen through observing little details that can be a component of someone’s action afterward. May it sound psychotic, right? But for me, it is just my way of building a wall for those who can destroy me in any possible way. I used it as an armor that surrounds me every time some people are trying to get in my life, but it still can’t give me enough protection not to get hurt. Because as I use this trick every time, I still tend to get hurt even though it is what I am avoiding happening.
Pain occurs even we do the best way we can to avoid it. It is like a poison to our heart and mind. I tried so hard to protect myself from hurting, but it is not something I control. I am deeply hurt and broken inside. I have many things with me that still haunt me, but I have no choice. It seems like loneliness and pain are a great combination that is always within. I am trying again to isolate myself. I don’t want to be a burden anymore. I am scared that these little pieces of me might hurt those trying to be there for me. I would try my best to heal on my own. I wouldn’t involve anyone in the process I am.
I am now trying to be productive, doing things I want to do from the start, but I can’t consistently do it because I always focus on being drowned by my thoughts. I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone, trying new things. I even got the chance to list down my bucket list and what I want to do with this quarantine. To make time more meaningful. It is just a small thing, but it means a lot. Doing things on my own and deciding what shall I do to be a better version of myself is part of my healing process.
Healing takes time. It can take so many years, but it is okay. It would be best if you did not let someone decide for your healing. I’ve been told so many times that I should move forward and forget everything, but I couldn’t. Maybe, all of those are in the past now, but the pain it caused me keeps reminding me why I let those things happen to me. But, I am somehow grateful because it made me stronger. It led me to new places I never thought I could.
I am tough to understand. I know that. My mood quickly changes. At first, I was motivated and willing to do everything to move forward. Then, later on, I will find myself crying because of sadness. I somehow do something that I love, then, later on, I just no longer have the guts to continue. Sometimes I feel good about myself, then, later on, I am crying, asking why I am like this. I don’t even understand myself, either. It just makes me sad every time, remembering that those people who truly understood me before already left me for being like this.
I hope that someday, someone will be there for me even though I am hard to deal with—someone who will not get tired of understanding me when I am a mess. Maybe, someday.
Wander with Me 