2019 is the worst yet the best year for me. It brought different struggles and challenges that I thought I could not accomplish. It made me wonder how can I survive with all the sadness and pain that keeps on burdening me. It taught me a lot of lessons. It is a year that produced a better version of myself. Before, I only wanted to exist, to be known for who I am but this year taught me not just to exist but also to live. Not just to show others what I can do but to also enjoy what I am doing.
We are not born to please and impress other people but to satisfy ourselves. We should not live for other people’s expectations of us, and we should always live our life to the fullest regardless of their opinion.
This year made me feel the emptiness as I lost friends, and even someone I taught wouldn’t leave me, but sadly they did. The pain still lingers as I remember how they quickly decided to go out of my life. It hurts; it does. Maybe, the pain will always be there. I expected too much from them to the point that their decision made me doubt myself. I continuously blame myself for not making them stay, but I realized that it is not my fault. Maybe there are just things that aren’t meant to happen, so we better part ways. I admit that I am sometimes toxic to them and vice versa.
Before, I always tried to please others, especially my friends. I quickly get paranoid whenever they are mad or sad about our friendship. I would always like to talk about what is going on in their mind because I don’t want them to feel that they are alone, that I am here. Later on, that attitude of mine seems like not enough and annoying to them. I tried my best. To make them feel loved, but I guess I am just not what they needed, that’s why. I realized that I shouldn’t force friendship and even love. I maybe tried so damn hard that they wanted to get rid of me. Still, I understand.
I should not let myself be too available for other people. I should start prioritizing myself.
This year he has also taught me how to deal with love. Maybe years ago, I did not know what love was, even though I insisted that I knew it. This year showed me what love is and how it works. Happiness, sadness, suffering, sacrifices, and pain are just some of the things I have encountered ever since I started to risk everything for someone I love. He made me feel loved and important, then suddenly, he left. The pain I felt that time was the worst. Sleepless nights, endless crying, overthinking. God knows how much I loved that man before, to the point that I can’t get mad at him even after all. I used the pain he caused me to be wroth him, but I realized I could never be furious at him. The moment I saw him being genuinely happy with that girl, I realized something. Maybe I am not just what he truly wants. He didn’t love me enough; that’s why it quickly fades.
We are just meant to cross paths to create some memories together but not meant to be forever. The happiness I saw with him right now is the happiness that I could not give him before. I am happy for him, for both of them. I hope that he’ll continue to be satisfied and in love, with no regrets. He will always have a part in my life. I realize that loving someone that much is not a mistake. They decide to let go of someone that is madly in love with them. We should not get tired of loving.
This year showed a worse and better version of myself. The challenges I faced made me stronger. As I go on to each process, sometimes I feel like I am a different person because of my decisions. I easily get annoyed even with the little things that cause me to react badly. It showed the different versions of myself that I taught I wouldn’t encounter.
My goal this 2020 is to focus on me more. I owe myself the love I didn’t give this year. I would prioritize making myself genuinely happy. Still, I wouldn’t be selfish to show my love and care to other people.
I am looking forward to spending another year with those who genuinely care for me. I would love to cherish each moment with those who genuinely love me. I am truly grateful for those who stayed and never left my side despite everything.
This 2020, I would let go of the negative thing that keeps bothering me. Instead, I would focus on the things that can significantly impact my peace of mind. I wouldn’t let anybody destroy my inner peace anymore.
Looking forward to a better, happier, and full of love this coming year. 💗
Wander with Me 