Month: December 2019

2019 is the worst yet the best year for me. It brought different struggles and challenges that I thought I could not accomplish. It made me wonder how can I survive with all the sadness and pain that keeps on burdening me. It taught me a lot of lessons. It is a year that produced a better version of myself. Before, I only wanted to exist, to be known for who I am but this year taught me not just to exist but also to live. Not just to show others what I can do but to also enjoy what I am doing.

We are not born to please and impress other people but to satisfy ourselves. We should not live for other people’s expectations of us, and we should always live our life to the fullest regardless of their opinion.

This year made me feel the emptiness as I lost friends, and even someone I taught wouldn’t leave me, but sadly they did. The pain still lingers as I remember how they quickly decided to go out of my life. It hurts; it does. Maybe, the pain will always be there. I expected too much from them to the point that their decision made me doubt myself. I continuously blame myself for not making them stay, but I realized that it is not my fault. Maybe there are just things that aren’t meant to happen, so we better part ways. I admit that I am sometimes toxic to them and vice versa.

Before, I always tried to please others, especially my friends. I quickly get paranoid whenever they are mad or sad about our friendship. I would always like to talk about what is going on in their mind because I don’t want them to feel that they are alone, that I am here. Later on, that attitude of mine seems like not enough and annoying to them. I tried my best. To make them feel loved, but I guess I am just not what they needed, that’s why. I realized that I shouldn’t force friendship and even love. I maybe tried so damn hard that they wanted to get rid of me. Still, I understand. 

I should not let myself be too available for other people. I should start prioritizing myself.

This year he has also taught me how to deal with love. Maybe years ago, I did not know what love was, even though I insisted that I knew it. This year showed me what love is and how it works. Happiness, sadness, suffering, sacrifices, and pain are just some of the things I have encountered ever since I started to risk everything for someone I love. He made me feel loved and important, then suddenly, he left. The pain I felt that time was the worst. Sleepless nights, endless crying, overthinking. God knows how much I loved that man before, to the point that I can’t get mad at him even after all. I used the pain he caused me to be wroth him, but I realized I could never be furious at him. The moment I saw him being genuinely happy with that girl, I realized something. Maybe I am not just what he truly wants. He didn’t love me enough; that’s why it quickly fades.

We are just meant to cross paths to create some memories together but not meant to be forever. The happiness I saw with him right now is the happiness that I could not give him before. I am happy for him, for both of them. I hope that he’ll continue to be satisfied and in love, with no regrets. He will always have a part in my life. I realize that loving someone that much is not a mistake. They decide to let go of someone that is madly in love with them. We should not get tired of loving.

This year showed a worse and better version of myself. The challenges I faced made me stronger. As I go on to each process, sometimes I feel like I am a different person because of my decisions. I easily get annoyed even with the little things that cause me to react badly. It showed the different versions of myself that I taught I wouldn’t encounter.

My goal this 2020 is to focus on me more. I owe myself the love I didn’t give this year. I would prioritize making myself genuinely happy. Still, I wouldn’t be selfish to show my love and care to other people.

I am looking forward to spending another year with those who genuinely care for me. I would love to cherish each moment with those who genuinely love me. I am truly grateful for those who stayed and never left my side despite everything.

This 2020, I would let go of the negative thing that keeps bothering me. Instead, I would focus on the things that can significantly impact my peace of mind. I wouldn’t let anybody destroy my inner peace anymore.

Looking forward to a better, happier, and full of love this coming year. 💗

It’s been a while since I’ve last published a blog. I still remember how my heart ached, and my eyes cried the moment I wrote my last work. I cannot post any work because I’ve always written but never finished any of it.

College life has been challenging yet fun for me. I’ve got shocked at first, knowing that I was going to deal with different people, pass my subjects, and adapt to another environment. The only thing on my mind before I started college was to graduate and pursue my dreams. I only have my perseverance and will to pursue my goals even with the uncertainties I have in mind.

I know that I am not intelligent or even a talented one. The thing that keeps me going is my heart that wants to learn and grow. I understand that the course I am taking would be challenging, and I am willing to take the risk. The first semester is going to end, and the past five months are not a joke. It challenged me. The pressure, failures and sleepless nights keep on letting me grow to the field I have chosen. I still have seven semesters left, I am pretty far from the finish line, but I guess this is enough to have to courage to continue.

Progress is progress, even though it is a small one, and we wouldn’t notice that we are near to what we are dreaming of if we try to live our life while pursuing our dreams. I am uncertain about what will happen in the future, but I trust God, and I am letting his plans work for me.

Aside from the academic side, the college has also brought me happiness and contentment. I met different amazing people who showed genuine kindness and friendship with me. Starting the semester, I have a big circle of friends. I’ve thought I would bond with them until the end, but I guess things are just not meant to happen. I lost many friends that I cherished a lot before. It makes me sad, but I am not allowing myself to force things to happen, so I let them. If they choose to leave me, then leave. I am not going to force any friendships because I know that I deserve more than that.

At first, I always blamed myself for the things I didn’t do. I pity myself for feeling that I am not good enough; that’s why people keep on leaving me behind. Then I realized I did my best to show my love and care for them. It is their own decision. I do not owe them anything, but I still wish for their happiness with their new friends. I am still grateful because I met different people I cherish a lot, and it has an important place in my heart. They are the ones who’ve stayed despite everything. I see myself loving more college life because of them. They made my college life happier. They brought me a lot of happiness, and I would always be grateful to have them. Still, maybe there is uncertainty if all of them would stay beside me until the end. For now, I’m going to cherish every precious moment with them.

The uncertainties are always there. All of us are not 100% sure about anything that is happening and is going to happen. We all have the “what ifs” and doubts. But this time, I wouldn’t let the uncertainties eat those opportunities that would make me know and love myself more. Each day, I am learning and growing little by little. I am thankful for the experiences that made me stronger. I promise myself that I wouldn’t let myself get stuck up to some old shits but let myself get out of the box and try new things. The uncertainties wouldn’t be enough to let down all the things I have in mind that keep me going.

The uncertainties are always there. All of us are not 100% sure about anything that is happening and is going to happen. We all have the “what ifs” and doubts. But this time, I wouldn’t let the uncertainties eat those opportunities that would make me know and love myself more. Each day, I am learning and growing little by little. I am thankful for the experiences that made me stronger. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself get stuck up to some old shits but let myself get out of the box and try new things. The uncertainties wouldn’t be enough to let down everything I have in mind that motivates me to grow and move forward.