July 29, 2019, was probably the scariest moment in my life. It sounds corny, but that is how I felt. Storytime, earlier in the morning, I’ve felt the usual abdominal pain because of ulcers. My stomach felt empty because I kept on vomiting whenever I ate or drank. My parents decided to take me to the nearest clinic in the afternoon because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. Sadly, the doctor was out when we came. They decided to take me to the hospital, but before we even got to ride to the vehicle, I collapsed.
I can’t breathe, and I can’t see anything. I just heard their screams, and I couldn’t even say a word. When we arrive at the hospital, I am already conscious, but still, I can’t breathe, so they put me on a stretcher. Everyone in the room told me to calm down because I panicked and cried continuously because I couldn’t move my hands and feet. I felt numb. The difficulty of breathing I’ve experienced lasts for about 30 minutes, I think. I can no longer feel the pain in my abdomen, but the fact that I can’t feel anything scares me.
It may sound cliche, but when I couldn’t breathe, could not see anything, and even felt the numbness in my body, I thought of the people I love. Yesterday, I cried hard while I was seeing my parents cry because they saw me suffering. I want to say that I love them so much, and I am thankful because they are my parents, but I can’t even utter a word. I wouldn’t say I like the feeling of not being able to feel anything. I’d instead feel the pain than feel the numbness. It scares me; it does.
I have often said that I want to die because of the pain I’ve been feeling every day, but I realized that I don’t want to die. I want to end the pain inside. I still want to live. I want to live for those people who care for me and love me. The doctor discussed the findings yesterday. The blood tests and the sodium-potassium test they called are normal. They didn’t find any disease, but they said that I am experiencing this syndrome called “hyperventilation syndrome.” It is like a cause of psychological disorders such as anxiety or panic attacks.
They said that it usually occurs when I suddenly change my emotions when I am deeply hurt, shocked, excited, or felt happy too much. I always say that I’d instead feel pain than to feel nothing, but sometimes it just seems too much for me. The things I’ve been thinking and feeling all along are bad for my health, and I should start avoiding that.
The moment I gained my consciousness felt like I saw a sunrise. It showed me that there is still another day where I could enjoy life and be with those I love. That there would always be a brighter tomorrow even when you think you are experiencing the worst.
It is okay to take things from the heart and learn to control emotions because sometimes it can lead to a severe condition. We should always prioritize our mental health because it might affect our physical bodies. Taking care of yourself means also loving yourself, so continue to love yourself!
Wander with Me 